


Captain Underpants

by texankate



Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Clint is a kind of a douche, M/M, Natasha is evil in the best possible way, Steve Has Issues with the Internet, Steve Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-28
Updated: 2013-02-28
Packaged: 2017-12-03 21:12:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,344
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/702697
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/texankate/pseuds/texankate
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve should not be left alone with the internet.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Captain Underpants

**Author's Note:**

> First time writing in the Avengers fandom. Not beta'd, and totally the product of a stressful day at work.

“Tony!” Steve screamed from the kitchen. 

“Yeah Cap?” Tony called as he stood up from the sofa. He recognized that tone of yell. The combination of abject horror coupled with a good dose of humiliation, rounded out by soupcon of sheer, bloody panic. Something had gone horribly, horribly awry on the internet. 

He had left Steve innocently surfing thinkgeek.com, trying to find a birthday present for Bruce amongst the assorted t-shirts and gizmos. Tony had been leaning towards matching xkcd tees for both he and Bruce, a sort of Science Bros bonding thing. He tried to remember if the site had any sort of scandalous items, but he couldn’t for the love of Tesla think of any. 

"What’s the matter?" he asked, entering the kitchen. 

"My face!" Steve managed to get out, pointing wildly at the laptop. "My face is on someone’s crotch."

Tony stopped to consider that for a moment. Then he shook his head and tried to will away any attempt at an erection. He was fairly certain Steve would not appreciate it. He instead sat down in front of the laptop to see what in the hell Steve was on about. Sure enough, the super soldier’s grinning mug gazed out from a pair of well filled boxer briefs. He glanced up to the web address and sighed.

"Steve, you know you’re not allowed on Etsy without adult supervision," he said. After the whole deal with Darcy and the link to the red, white and blue glass dildo, they had decided as a team to forbid Steve from the site. Safe search could only do so much, and no one wanted to see how the super soldier serum stood up to heart attacks. 

"I just wanted to see if they had a cool Hulk shirt," he said, weakly. 

"How did a search for Hulk shirts lead you to this?" Tony asked. 

"I just searched on the Hulk," Steve explained. He sat down next to Tony and buried his face in his hands. "The item I originally saw from this store was a pair of green boxers with 'HULK SMASH' on them. I thought they were funny."

Tony had to admit that was kind of funny. "And then…?"

"Then there was a link to a Captain America pair. I thought they’d just have the shield on them." 

Tony wasn’t sure if it was physically possible for the man to turn any redder. He clicked to the store’s main page. Each of the Avengers were represented. 

"Hey, look! Me on a pair of crotchless panties. Can’t say that I’m surprised." 

Steve’s head jerked up. "Holy mother of—" 

"What was that about you and crotchless panties?" Natasha asked, entering the kitchen. 

"I just want to go on record as saying I don’t want to discuss Stark and women’s underwear in any way, shape, form or fashion," Clint added, following on his partner’s heels. He stopped behind Tony to look at the screen. "THOR! Come in here! You have to see this," Clint yelled. 

"No, no, no," Steve whimpered. 

"Come on Steve, it’s not that bad," Tony said. Thor, Jane and Darcy joined them around the laptop. 

"Why isn’t Steve on crotchless panties?" Darcy asked. "I'd buy those." 

Steve looked up at her in horror. He managed to both curl in on himself and scoot closer to Tony. Tony gave Darcy a wink and a 'I know, right?' look. 

"I would imagine that while there are many women who would love to have Steve’s face on their crotch, he probably has a large gay male following as well. I mean, have you looked at him?" Natasha asked. "Muscles, clean cut in a way they just want to mess up. He’s gold. Where as Tony has a long and well documented association with girls who wear crotchless panties."

Tony was starting to get a little offended on Steve’s behalf. He certainly wasn't offended on his own behalf because hello? She had a point. 

"Can we cut the guy a break?" he asked. He changed the subject away from Steve by clicking onto the other Avengers. "Let’s see, the lovely Natasha is represented by the red hourglass on a black nightie, Clint, ah. Clint has an arrow with a charming little phrase: 'Always make sure the shaft is firm and straight'. Lovely." 

Steve choked on what seemed to be hysterical laughter. The kind you get before they come with the straight jacket. Clint gave Tony a wink and a thumb's up. 

"What about Thor?" Darcy asked. 

"Better not be another Captain Hammer joke," Clint said. 

"Actually, they’re kinda cool," Tony said. 

Thor was represented by a pair of tighty-whities with a very stylized version of his hammer dangling down in front. You also got a second pair where the hammer was thrusting up towards the sky. 

"Verily, my hammer is mighty," Thor said, with a pleased grin. 

"Verily," Jane said with a nod. "True dat." 

For some reason Loki was represented as well. "Huh. Loki’s face on a pair of green thermal underwear. Must be the frost giant thing?" Tony mused. 

"Hey, does Phil have—" 

"Enough, Barton. And as for the rest of you, have you broken our super soldier?” came the calm voice of Agent Coulson. 

"No," Steve said. "I'll be alright." He seemed to deflate. "I just don’t get it," he added. 

"Agent's right," Tony said. "Shoo, all of you. And don't think I won't block this site from your computer, Darcy," he added as she leaned over to see the name of the shop. "Scoot." 

The others filed out, leaving Tony and Steve alone. Tony reached over and gave Steve a comforting pat on the back. "Buck up, Cap," he said. "If it makes you feel better, tell yourself that it's nothing more than grownup Underoos. It makes people feel more confident knowing you're there under their jeans and such. I had a pair of Batman Underoos when I was growing up, and look at me now! Dashing, rich, and using my brain to fight bad guys. Just like Batman!" 

"Pepper said you had Captain America footie pajamas," Steve said, finally looking up at Tony. 

"Pepper is a no-good liar who must not value her job," Tony said. "No, wait. She wasn't lying. I've always found you just as inspirational as Batman. Maybe even more."

"Really," Steve said, skepticism thick in his voice. 

"Sure," Tony said. "In fact, maybe I should get me a pair of Captain America boxer briefs." 

"Tony—" 

"Because let me tell you, nothing would inspire me when I was kneeling down in front of a guy like seeing your face in front of me," Tony said, suddenly feeling a little reckless. 

Steve stilled. 

Tony looked him straight in the eye. "Then again, maybe I’d rather look up and see your face." He wasn't expecting the blinding grin Steve gave him. 

"I think that would probably be for the best," Steve said, moving towards Tony. He gently took Tony’s face into his hands and pulled him close. 

It was the barest brush of lips at first, but when Tony sighed, Steve dove in with gusto. Tony had never in his life tasted something so perfect. Hot, wet, and sweet all at once. Steve pulled at him until he was straddling the soldier, running his hands up and down Steve’s back and trying to touch as much as he could. Eventually, Steve pulled back, panting wildly and grinning from ear to ear. 

"That okay?" he asked, just a hint of uncertainty in his voice. 

"Hell yes that is more than okay," Tony said, resting his forehead against Steve's. 

"Still want Captain America underwear?" Steve asked. 

"No, I want Captain America, no underwear involved at all," Tony said. 

"That can be arranged."

**** 

Three weeks later, when Tony arrived in his bedroom to find Steve dressed in nothing but a smile and a pair of red crotchless panties with Tony’s face on them, he decided to give Steve full access to Etsy. He would need to replace them once Tony was done with him.


End file.
